Ok, so let’s do a re-cap before this gets out of hand.

We went skydiving with a parachute, which seemed to be the right move at the time. Our unclear mission involved buying tickets for a boat that sunk 98 years ago, and although totally clueless of what we were supposed to be doing, we were adamant to start from scratch!

Lost, but determined, we went pig hunting! Eventually we realized we had to go back to square one, though. Wherever that was. We took the bacon with us. Anyhow, luckily Brooklyn Decker showed up, which is always a plus, and we went playing tennis while listening to some great rock music and counting sons. Then we went All-Hollywood and got to interview Jennifer Aniston and meet a lot of famous guys!! I think that kinda raps it up.

Maybe we should recap more often.

Funny, though, how progress sometimes happens exactly while we are busy feeling stuck.

An unhappy marriage made me realize we are prepared poorly to take that step, be it by our education system or society at large. I wondered why, since it was such a major step in life. Determined to understand more about marriage, we embarked on a relationship exploration, and realized we are guided by our needs and desires, and many of this yearning are only quenched through our contact with others. We also realized our desires evolved, and therefore any relationship would be subjected to that. All this was true of our partners, who entered the relationships with similar, though particular, needs; with a growth curve of their own.

Another thing became clear. The development of our desires deepen and broaden the intensity of our satisfaction (and frustration), and being able to reach the most meaningful levels of satisfaction, to an extent, was our purpose in life. Fittingly, a long, intense, meaningful relationship (commonly known as marriage) would seem to be an excellent path for such growth.

Knowing, though, how our desires change as we evolve, and how uneven such growth can be as opposed to our partners, we concluded that it would be better to fully acknowledge and understand this very probable imbalance BEFORE choosing our eternally loved spouse.

Now let’s say you are a basketball player. Actually, you play for the national squad!!
Except that, you were born in Burkina Faso…
Which is a country, since you asked.
What are your chance for a medal in the olympic games of 2012?
None.

We can, and should decide to enter our relationships with the predisposition to accept that our better half will grow at a pace and even a direction different than ours. To understand that they will not always be able to connect with us in places we feel are imperative for the couple’s success. Sometimes we will fail miserably just the same…

That’s why we must accept beforehand, that there will be stretches in which success will mean we try. Cause there is no way the relationship will be satisfying at that specific time. How will we do that? How will we live with those Burkina Faso Mighty Zebras frames of mind?

Remember when Angelina stole Brad? Or when Mel Gibson ranted about Jews? Or when Chris brown KO’d Rihanna in the 3rd round? Or when Kanye West politely explained to Taylor why she shouldn’t have won? Or when Mel Gibson ranted about Jews, again? Or when Michael Richards was pissed at them Afro-american slaves for not laughing hard?

Were they making the wrong choice, or were they choosing the wrong action? Let’s ask Jennifer that:

Us: Miss Aniston, your thoughts on Angelina, was it the choice, or was it the act?
Jen: Probably the choice, cause we all know Angelina can’t act….

Jennifer Aniston is pretty and right.

Making choices is hard!!! What to wear, what to eat, what to say, when to stop. Can’t we just choose not to opt? Nope. But we can decide what to choose for and from…

So here is our next task. It’s easy and fun. We have to find one person of our likeness, with whom we will spend the rest of our lives. Many of the most meaningful emotions in life we will experience through this person only. But don’t feel pressured, if it doesn’t work, you can restart from scratch! Please don’t forget to bring with you several hearts and dispose of broken pieces in a way that is ecologically smart.

Ok, so let’s get started!! I think I like… blonds?!

Say I choose someone that is so much like me, what are the chances we will evolve at a very similar rate, so that we never drift too much apart? Errr……low?
How about this then: I’ll choose someone who totally complements me. The odds this better half will match me for, say, sixty years in a row? Errr….bad?

Pretty, thin, happy, calm?
Now she’s fat, neurotic, sad.
Self-assured and full of charm?
Now he’s diffident and bald.

So how do I choose?!!!! Or maybe, what.

What if?

What if we chose our attitude towards the inevitability of our spouse’s future change and growth?

What if we decided beforehand how we will react when they seem to drift away, at times? When we suddenly become spiritually driven while they are immersed in material hunts. When their flaws get the better of them, or us? What if we choose to grow conscious of these things now. Yeah now, before we even start looking for these guys/gals.

What if Angelina would have chosen not to get involved with unavailable guys? Or Chris chose never EVER to recur to violence? Or Kanye chose to accept opinions which are not his own?

What if before choosing our partners, we choose to understand partnerships as well as we can?

Plus they give grammar lessons online

“I can’t get no… satisfaction, I can’t get no…satisfaction. Cause I try, and I try, and I try…..”

Either the Rolling Stones are geniuses, or their grammar isn’t too up there, or both.

Anyhow, they are so right: they are getting SOME satisfaction, cause they try. Considering “can’t get no” as a double negative, which it is. And we all know a double negative is a positive. Except in marriage, of course.

Whenever I get what I want, I get satisfaction. Soon enough, it’s gone. Since I now want something else. Which I’ll get, if I try. SATISFACTION!! Then it’s gone. And so on.

I don’t want to be lonely. Then, I’m with someone. Now I don’t want to FEEL lonely.
Then, they pay attention to me. Now I feel misunderstood. Then, they explain me to myself.
But now I feel dumb! Then they hug me. Now I feel loved! Then they leave and will be back in a week. Now I feel insecure…

I can’t get NO satisfaction. But I can’t, and I can’t, and I can’t, get CONSTANT satisfaction. And boy do I try.

Physical desires are easy. Hungry? Eat. Tired? Sleep. Horny? Sleep (ok, but when you’re married it’s the unwritten rule…).

But, when we go to human desires, it gets a tiny bit more complicated. Ignored? Go on a crazy diet, say stupid things to attract attention, regret every move, AND be hungry. (see: diet). Insecure? Desperately seek ANYONE who will give you ANY compliment. Good job. Now you feel insecure and dependent.

No, really, that is a GOOD JOB!!!

We can get satisfaction, we just can’t BE in satisfaction. Also, whatever satisfaction we do get, we must feel the absence first, right?

Take breathing. It’s not exactly orgasmic. Unless you are choking to death, and THEN get to breathe… The more intense and precise and conscious my need is, the deeper it dwells within me, the more meaningful my (fleeting) satisfaction will be.

But how do I do that? What kind of a relationship will bring out my greatest needs, my deepest thoughts, my true desires, my most individual, intimate, intense craves? And satisfactions.

Surely a relationship to which I’m fully committed. It would also have to be uber personal, allow me to plunge within it anywhere, with absolutely no boundaries of any kind.

Finally, it would have to last me my whole life long…

Incidentally, three of the four Rolling Stones have fathered 16 children from 8 wives. Bonus fact: one of those sons is married to the MOTHER of his father’s wife.

The 4th Rolling Stone has had just one wife. They recently celebrated their 46th anniversary.

I try, and I try, and I try, and I try….
@dguywithabeard

At http://beingjustinbieber.tumblr.com/, the amazing story of Anal Isfa, an Indian immigrant who one day stumbles across teen-idol Justin Bieber, and discovers his goal in life: Being Justin Bieber.

Want to know how it all went down? Me too!

When it’s ok to be a rich chinese man…romantic tip at 0:35

Brooklyn Decker - not a great place to play cards….

As my marriage dissolved, I started contemplating the perfect spouse. Brooklyn Decker had not been born, I guess, so I didn’t even have a reference with which to start. Here’s what I thought:

She is LOYAL. She understands me. Actually, she can read my mind. She loves what I say, and deals well with my flaws.  She wants us to grow, and cares about our kids’ education. She kisses like Tina from senior year, and I don’t need to write her science project for that. She laughs more than she cries.

Of course, then Brooklyn Decker came around…

For those not familiar, Brooklyn Decker is not a good spot to play cards in New York. She is a supermodel (it’s like a model, but with superpowers NOT made from silicone. I insist on that). She is married to a professional tennis player called Andre Agassi. Or something like that. Anyhow, he is definitely alive.

Suddenly,  my entire perspective changed. The perfect spouse list? Out, see yah, bye! Here’s how Brooklyn changed my life:

The New and Improved Perfect Spouse List
I play sports. As long as she likes that. I take her out to the nicest places when she is with me on the road. I am right there during her endless photo session, and even if I feel bored and useless, I smile and thumb-up. All the time. And when we are alone, in the morning, I let her know that without makeup, she  is simply divine…

We get tired of the plain physical attraction pretty fast (see: physical desires at “Back to Square One”). Then, at some point down the line, we want to control our “better-half”. It’s pretty clear why.
Somewhere not so deep inside, we realize this person wants something back!! The nerve!! And we sooo want to control that, cause it’s really eating into the real important stuff: like, what WE want!

But alas, control doesn’t work, and oppression doesn’t last. Mostly because, you can’t make whomever not want and desire.

Except, we outsmart that!

When control doesn’t work, we demand admiration, reverence, WORSHIP!! Your desire….

Here is the big difference between wanting, say, a pizza, and admiration. When I eat  pizza, I  have what I want. When you revere me, I have what I want, and I AM what you want.  Your desire is me! Suddenly, I can have EVERYONE’S desires!! (See: Megalomania)…

Believe me, by then the relationship is ready to die. We feel so utterly misunderstood!!  Of course, we still don’t understand who we ourselves are… 

Desire for knowledge is the last to show up. Sometimes it takes a dead marriage. Sometimes a super-powered  model married to Rafael Nadal. Or something like that. Anyhow, I am definitely alive.

And still thinking:  what is it about marriage that makes it so in demand?

                                                                       @dguywithabeard

thedaniellepage asked: I absolutely love your blog---Less than a year ago I thought I wanted to be married by 23--Now I'm 22, single for the first time since I was 16, and realizing I have so much more growing/learning to do before I take that plunge. I appreciate reading your journey, thank you for creating this!

Thank you for reading it! You are sooo ahead of me… When I was 22, thinking was nowhere in sight…and never loose that romantic edge,  it rocks!

     
My marriage wasn’t going well, I mean, there were signs:  My bed  in the TV room, dinners which involved a can opener. (also buying the cans),  plus the big writting on the bathroom mirror reading “I hope you die”; painted in blood.

Ok, so no. But still, it was bad.

So bad I was tempted to try the Counseling Squad.  With their amazing explanations and spot perfect smiles. Oh, and their advice. Like the amazing one I read about “never go to sleep angry”. Never, at all. It worked liked a charm, and I didn’t sleep for six months….

“Be more aware of you inner self, improve you communication skills, always say something nice.”
Apparently marriage involved x-raying yourself,  buying  a satellite dish, and commenting on how her food was almost as good as your mom’s. It wasn’t getting the job done. There was a reason for that.

Cause I wanted to know why! Why was I married? Why Marriage wasn’t an obligatory subject from kindergarden on? Why modifying  the way I act would bring change to a relationship whose core existence I couldn’t understand?!

I heard marriage had evolved from tribal customs, developed in royalty, emerged as the ultimate anthropological bond. Was that marriage?! An experience in Darwinism gone bad?!

Our desires change with time. Just as my kids don’t understand why I don’t enjoy Dora the Explorer. Or eating ice cream that fell on the ground. We don’t want “it”, we want the sense of satisfaction that having “it” brings about. It starts with toys our kids enjoy for half a minute, it ends with people who are tired of enjoying us.  Once we get “it”, we want something newer, nicer, more expensive, more profound. We are our desires, and they evolve.

But how? Where are they headed? What do we ultimately want?

If we could define what was this ultimate desire. The thing we would want after all Dora’s were done. The thing that we would actually enjoy for what it was. Not just for the momentary feeling of satisfaction we’d have. What would that be like…

And what if marriage, and marriage only, could lead us to that…

                                                                             @dguywithabeard

Here I was with my accurate but paralyzing truth: anything we do, stems from our needs and desires.

So,  we want to be in relationships cause people are the source of many of those things we want.

Quite obviously, the people we relate to are relating to US cause we happen to be their potential source…hmmm.

First, that just seems like a bad, bad formula. For starters, just knowing you are giving me something to get whatever back,  kills much of the vibe. Then, once I get what I want, or you are incapable of delivering, or I find a better source, or vice-versa times three, it’s over.

Yet there was one  thing that was bothering me even more. Why would ANYONE come up with marriage as an option, considering our basic nature of want?!! Monogamy? Eternity?!! How about lots of  parallel relationships of varied extension at all stages of life? Ok, maybe not. But, marriage? Come on!

Ahhh, the dream…lot’s and LOT’S of relationships!! So I could get ALL that I want. All the great things I want. You know, the things, we, want…

Yeah, here I was, going back to basics.                                             

What DO I want?!!

If all our actions stem from our needs and desires, shouldn’t we discover what needs and desires these are?  What basic, unequivocal, always-present types of wants we have?

From bottom to top, the short list:

Physical desires or needs. (eat, drink, mate, rest…)

Human desires or needs.  (respect, control, acknowledgment)

Knowledge desires or needs. (like, you know…)

and it does seem that’s that.

So what Darwin didn’t know is that as we develop, we would go from wanting  to sleep with our partners, to wanting to control  them,  to gaining their respect,  to understanding them, to understanding us. 

Now, here is a little interesting thought…once we do understand them, wouldn’t sleeping with them  go to a completely new intensity level, which was never possible at the start? Cause, that sounds  (VERY!!!) promising…

Question was still there, though: why through marriage?  (and how do we make any relationship work….)

                                                             @dguywithabeard

So I was left with a crucial existential query. A doubt to jump-start all my new search for understanding life: am I a hopeless selfish pig?!!

And off I went, looking  for proof that I was not!

I mean, I love doing stuff for others! Walk your dog, brush your teeth, help your grandma cross the street! Need me? I’m in!

But, I couldn’t shake this away:

” Every time we do anything, any action whatsoever, we are eying a result.”

So, is that it then?! A selfish pig??!

I mean, imagine if our acts had no goal or purpose. They have a name for that: being a nut!

True, we have needs and desires, and we act to achieve them. Yes, also true, that is the only reason we act at all. Yet, doing whatever for our fulfillment is human. It’s nature. But, is it the only nature we have? No! Right?

How about doing something for others?! What’s with THAT? YEAH!!

But I was done fooling myself…

Cause I’ll walk your dog if you’ll pay me, and I’ll brush your teeth if you’ll love me, and I’ll help your grandma if you’ll respect me, a lot.

And if I ever say I want NOTHING in return, send me to my enemy to do for him all that…

Even the most courageous, selfless, sacrificed actions I can think of, are propelled with some fulfillment in mind. Honor, respect, acknowledgment, love. We just HAVE to want something in return. Otherwise, we just wouldn’t act.

So nope, I can’t do anything if I don’t get something back…

And nope, it doesn’t make me bad, just human.

But it does complicate a relationship. A lot…

                                                                @dguywithabeard

Why do we get married. I mean, seriously, what kind of a deal is that?!!  “I pledge to limit an entire array of feelings to you only, although I am 24 and have no idea what will become of me as an actual adult, amen!!”.  Huh?!!

Of course, I never EVER thought of that before I was neck deep in quicksand, but by then I had a few things going for me, yeah!! Confusion, shame, frustration, you know, all the things needed to get out of a bad spot.

That is why, this time around, I was starting from scratch. AND I MEAN SCRATCH!!!  Marriage you say?!! I want to know why I should be in ANY relationship, with anyone!

I mean, why relate to others, at all? I could find myself a desert island, fill it up with all the perks needed to guarantee me endless entertainment, and live a peaceful, lonely life. Except, I wouldn’t.

I’d want to relate, and solitude sucks. But why?! What is so appealing in a relationship? What is there in it to want? Anyhow,  what do I want?!

Wait, what DO I want?!

We want. Every time we do anything, any action whatsoever, we are eying a result. Achieve it, and gain satisfaction, happiness, or relief. That’s life in a nutshell. Desire, need, act, and (hopefully) get.

So obviously, to get what we want there has to be a source. Now, for some things, I could do without people. Like, my source for hunger is food. I’d probably could grow it in my desert island backyard if I wanted loneliness that bad. Yet, more often than not, the source of my needs and desires, happens to be another human being….

Suddenly it became so clear: of course we want relationships!! Where else will we get love, understanding, support, kindness and a decently cooked meal? How else will we be acknowledged at all?!   That is why.  Why a desert island doesn’t work. Why solitude hurts. Why relationships are so vital for us. We live because we want, and we can’t get without a giver. Simple as that!!

Then I remembered the quicksand…

Cause how about this: if we are in a relationship to get something from it, then that other person, you know, the one in a relationship with us…  aren’t they  in it hoping to get something too?!

Ouch.

That is SO not going to work!!  Coming to a relationship hoping to receive from someone who is in there only to get something for themselves.

Plus, are we even capable,  by nature,  to change this equation? And if so, how?!

                                                                   @dguywithabeard

Trick question: which of these three items would you take with you on a skydiving experience, if  allowed to take just one: A) a camera  B) a banana  C) a parachute ?

If you answered A or B,  your dead. Then again,  why?!!!!  Why would anyone decide to come so utterly unprepared for jumping off a plane?!  THAT is the question!  Who the heck dives without a parachute?!!  WHO?!!  Well, I was asking myself that same question. While free-falling into the void… formerly known as my marriage…and believe me, I crashed.

We are taught so many important things in high school,  and college (so I hear…),  but not a word about THAT. Not a mention. The single most important relationship we’ll have. It’s not a subject, like,  American History or… French?  Can’t choose it for credits, and rightfully so, cause, why give up on  Scandinavian Art?

Well, enough of that. Before you buy the ring, before you leave that plane, before you buy those very sought-after Titanic tickets, I say, let’s make it right. Let’s think, learn, discover, prepare. Taking pictures while eating a banana can be fun. But we will need the parachute…trust me on that.

                                                                                 @dguywithabeard